Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
