Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
