you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
