I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
