bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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