As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
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they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
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When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Bring me that man meat
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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