Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
