i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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