I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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