Just cropdusted the office
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Randomize
