I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
