I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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