I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
