Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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