Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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