I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
sarcasm needs its own font
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Randomize