he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
