Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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