Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
