All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
