i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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