worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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