4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
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Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
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I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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