Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
