I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My underwear smells like fireworks.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
