she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
