adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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