our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
You left your phone here
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