No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
