Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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