wanna go halves on a baby?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
