I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
