I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
