she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
