i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
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Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
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He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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