Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
