look no pants
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
