I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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