Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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