Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
