Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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