Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
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Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
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Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
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