i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
