I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
