Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
