The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
