There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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