THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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