you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
