if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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