Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
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