Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
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I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
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Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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