I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
