I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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