So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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