So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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