mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
