i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
