The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You ate ashes out of my bong
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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